Monthly Archives: December 2013

If I Wanted A Pep Talk I Would Have Beaten One Out of You

Everything is telling me that life will be okay, great even. Or that I’m stupid.  Some days it’s a toss up.  My tampon wrappers have witty slogans to reassure me that even though I’m bleeding I should go for a … Continue reading

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So This is Christmas

6:00am-Wake up when Maxhole the dog gets on my bed and punches me in the face with his foot. 6:12am-Think about Christmas when I was little and how I couldn’t sleep the night before and now I just want to … Continue reading

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Jesus H. Christ(mas)

It’s Christmas eve.  Already.  How’d that happen?   12:00pm-Sitting at my desk at work and think “Fuck it.”  I’m going home 3 1/2 hours early.  No one is at work anyway. 12:13pm- Have second thoughts about going to Safeway.  Not … Continue reading

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Affordable My Ass

Trying to get health insurance. It will fuck you up.

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I Had to Go Home So I Can Spend The Next 18 Hours on the Phone Trying to Get Health Insurance

Knock, knock. Who’s There? Health insurance. Health insurance who? Health insurance you ain’t got none.

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They’re Still Eating People Behind the Safeway

The cannibalism behind the Safeway in a small California town is still going strong. But the cannibals are experimenting, expanding their little cave behind the Safeway dumpster. My mom’s friend with the drug-scorched brain has informed us that now the … Continue reading

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WeBMD is Not Your Friend

WeBMD: Hey girrrrrl.  How you been? Me:  I’ve been better. WebMD: What’s going on? Me: Oh just some worry over my health. WebMD: Tell me all about it.  I want to hear everything. Me: Well, the other day you told … Continue reading

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Yes, I Shoved the Whole Thing Into My Mouth

I work at a place where more often than not you’ll find food almost daily.  I’m talking donuts, chips and dip, and candy.  You should see this place the day after Halloween.  One of my best ever working days I … Continue reading

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Charlotte Was a Friend of Mine

If I hear one more God damn Bing Crosby Christmas song this place is going up in flames.  My co-worker seems incapable of listening to holiday music without it traveling to every area of the library’s basement.  I’m going to … Continue reading

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I Hope Your Cells Are Behaving Abnormally

Cervix. Nothing but trouble.

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