Monthly Archives: March 2014

Tequila and Heartache Do Not Go Hand in Hand

I came late to the drinking party and by drinking party I mean I didn’t really drink until after I was 30. A douchebag broke my heart (and I was stupid and let him break my heart) and the only … Continue reading

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Andreas Hemingway

The only time I ever thought about getting married was when I was 11 and thought if I married Andreas Hemingway it would be cool because my initials would still be the same on my monogrammed towels.  Jennifer H. I … Continue reading

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That About Sums it Up

And I would give anyone the asshole off my back. I mean shirt. I’d give anyone the shirt off my back. Yeah, I meant asshole. At least I admit to it. And I’m a fun asshole. Jesus. That did not … Continue reading

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Please. I Will Sell My Soul to the Devil to Get You to Shut UP.

I sit ten feet from a co-worker who won’t shut up. She talks and talks and talks. About nothing. Then she goes from desk to desk reading book passages or telling a story that starts off with “Back in 1938 … Continue reading

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I’ve Been Unbanned From Trader Joe’s

Well, I was never officially banned from Trader Joe’s itself.  I was banned from going to Trader Joe’s by friends and family for a few years. Because I’m mouthy. In my defense, the parking lot is shit and nobody seems … Continue reading

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Try Going to Trader Joe’s on a Friday Afternoon

I spent an hour walking around Trader Joe’s, bought $50 worth of groceries, came home, put it all away. How come there’s nothing good to eat?

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I Love Kids….I Just Can’t Finish a Whole One By Myself

I was talking to a co-worker a few years ago.  She was telling me how her nephew got married and he and his wife didn’t want children.  I said that it seemed like more and more people are deciding not to … Continue reading

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Kids

I have a feeling if I ever had kids they would be exactly like me which is terrifying, horrifying and just plain wrong. Because….just WRONG.

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That Bitch Mother Nature

There’s thunder and lightning here today. We rarely get thunder and lightning. It’s the Pacific Northwest. We get tons of rain but when there’s lightning we all freeze because if we breathe or move the sky might actually fall and … Continue reading

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Lazy Ass Picture….Shit….is it Thursday or Wednesday? Shit.

I could be moving a hundred miles an hour at work, be up to my tits in work and be utterly, hopelessly, terrifyingly bored out of my mind. I get those moments of perfect clarity and see my life stretching … Continue reading

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