It’s Christmas eve. Already. How’d that happen?
12:00pm-Sitting at my desk at work and think “Fuck it.” I’m going home 3 1/2 hours early. No one is at work anyway.
12:13pm- Have second thoughts about going to Safeway. Not because of the dumpster cannibals. They’re in California. I hate crowds and it’s Christmas eve so I know the place is going to be packed. But I need coffee pods and peanut butter cookies.
12:15pm-Everyone in the state of Washington is at Safeway. I buy coffee pods, gluten-free mac and cheese and marshmallows for mom’s fruit salad.
12:20pm-Almost kill my brother Ryan when he comes up behind me and rams his grocery cart into me. I tell him to fuck off and that I’d see him in the morning.
1:00pm-I get home in one piece and eat 3 giant peanut butter cookies and a bowl of fruit salad.
2:00pm-My brother Anthony arrives with his two wiener dogs Kirby and Xander.
2:05pm-Eat another bowl of fruit salad. Mom made two batches. One with walnuts and Mandarin slices and another with fruit cocktail. I like the plain salad. None of that pesky fruit to get in my way. And it’s called a salad so it can’t be that bad, right?
3:00pm-Mom, buzzed on Coors Light, finishes wrapping presents. She can’t remember what she’s just wrapped.
3:02pm-Our dog Maxhole doesn’t know what to think about the wiener dogs. If Max could talk he’d call them The Krauts.
4:45pm- Mom toddles off to bed. Max follows her but he keeps coming downstairs to see what the Germans are up to.
5:12pm-Eat another bowl of fruit salad. Ponder over the fact that bowel is just bowl with an “e” and then realize I’m probably going to get stomach cramps and diarrhea from all the sour cream and fruit in the salad.
6:10pm-Watch Madea’s Witness Protection with my brother. We agree Tyler Perry should always be Madea.
6:20pm-Wonder what kind of massacre the fruit salad has planned for my colon.
7:00pm-Take a Xanax for no real reason.
8:00pm-Go to bed. Try to stay awake to watch a BBC show called Exile with John Simm, aka The Master on Doctor Who. I have a little crush on him. I think it’s because he looks kinda like Thom Yorke..
8:46pm-Fall asleep thinking the one thing I can count on at the end of the day is my family’s love. And Xanax.