They’re Still Eating People Behind the Safeway

The cannibalism behind the Safeway in a small California town is still going strong.

But the cannibals are experimenting, expanding their little cave behind the Safeway dumpster.

My mom’s friend with the drug-scorched brain has informed us that now the cannibals are flinging their wet clothes onto tree branches close to the dumpster.  They just want their clothes dried.  Because really, just because they eat human flesh doesn’t mean they don’t want their clothes to smell summer fresh.  Drug-fogged Mary says that the cannibals have started a tent city without the tents.  They have tarps set up by the dumpster, most of them held up with fishing line and cracked plastic tubes 4 feet high, the stickers on the plastic faded but still reading JESUS LOVES YOU AND CHOCOLATE!  Easter candy leftovers.  Somewhere in the camp I’m sure there’s a giant heart-shaped box but instead of candy there are eyeballs, fingers, toes, ears, and a belly button.  Cannibals want to express their love just like anybody else.  Maybe there’s a half chewed up ear in the box, the equivalent of a chocolate with black licorice in it.  Nobody likes those.

Mary says that her son Jack not only fell into a cannibal trap behind the Safeway that busted up his hand pretty good but also fell into a bear trap underneath that first trap.

Excuse me.  I’m having trouble visualizing this.

Was the first cannibal trap a dirty blanket with dumb white trash junk on it?  A six-pack of Pabst, beef jerky, a couple of moon pies and a wrinkled copy of Low Rider?  Once the redneck reached for the booby mag and a Slim Jim did the bear trap somehow launch itself onto his hand?  Were the cannibals under their tarps and making bets on what he’d grab first, the beer or the mystery stained magazine?

The thing that seemed to outrage Mary the most was seeing clothes flung onto tree branches.  People are being trapped and eaten, cannibals are using holiday cast-offs to decorate their tents and t-shirts and underwear sun drying disgusts her.

Soon enough the cannibals will be showing up in the ER, panicked because they’ve been bitten by some crazy drunk redneck going after special brownies and a copy of Hustler from 1979.


About jkhughes2

I'm fat and I hate my job. Well kinda. Kinda on both of those. I love to read and work in a library where they don't let me read. But as long as I get to be around books I'm happy. I once wanted to be a writer and then realized that I'm too lazy to write a book but not too lazy to write a blog. And blogging is like keeping a journal except my posts are the equivalent of verbal diarrhea. And oh yeah. I have really low self-esteem. I have a dog named Max but I call him Maxhole. He's the first dog I've ever had. I find his daily life way more interesting than mine or most people I know. That's about it. I hate politics and computer books. I secretly wish I was Doctor Who but can't remember if that's "was" or "were." Now that's it.
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