WeBMD is Not Your Friend

WeBMD: Hey girrrrrl.  How you been?

Me:  I’ve been better.

WebMD: What’s going on?

Me: Oh just some worry over my health.

WebMD: Tell me all about it.  I want to hear everything.

Me: Well, the other day you told me I might have cervical cancer.

WebMD:  I most certainly did not!

Me: Yeah, you kinda did.

WebMD: I would never say that to a friend!

Me: You also told me I have ebola, bubonic plague and prostate problems.

WebMD: I don’t remember any of this.

Me: I have a vagina.  No prostate problems here.

WebMD: Huh.

Me: You also said I probably have either irritable bowel syndrome or colon cancer.

WebMD: I was out of town a few days ago.  Maybe I read your record wrong.

Me: And you said the headaches are probably brain tumors.

WebMD: I said that shit?

Me: Yep.  You pointed to various body parts on the computer screen and said I’d be pooping blood if I kept up the farting.

WeBMD:  Would you look at the time?  I gotta get out of here.

Me:  I have to have a cervical biopsy tomorrow morning.  You said it was nothing to worry about and then added “It’s probably cancerous.”

WeBMD gets up, wobbles and then almost falls over.

WeBMD:  Good luck with the biopsy thing.  It’s probably that twin you ate in the womb.  I’d have that cervix checked for teeth and ribs.  It sometimes happens.  But I’ve got to go.

Me:  Yeah, that’s a good idea since I’m about to throw this chair at your face.


About jkhughes2

I'm fat and I hate my job. Well kinda. Kinda on both of those. I love to read and work in a library where they don't let me read. But as long as I get to be around books I'm happy. I once wanted to be a writer and then realized that I'm too lazy to write a book but not too lazy to write a blog. And blogging is like keeping a journal except my posts are the equivalent of verbal diarrhea. And oh yeah. I have really low self-esteem. I have a dog named Max but I call him Maxhole. He's the first dog I've ever had. I find his daily life way more interesting than mine or most people I know. That's about it. I hate politics and computer books. I secretly wish I was Doctor Who but can't remember if that's "was" or "were." Now that's it.
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4 Responses to WeBMD is Not Your Friend

  1. Gloria says:

    I told you not to put your symptoms into the internet.,..it’s all lies…and cats…and lies!!!

    • jkhughes2 says:

      I’m doing our kitty “research” right now!
      Sometimes you just look at WebMD, put in symptoms and freak out what might come back. I have no symptoms but thanks to my paranoia I started to convince myself I was having symptoms. I am banned from WebMD!

  2. Kathy says:

    This is how all our health plans are going to start working-go to the doctor’s office and type your symptoms into a computer and it will just be WebMD diagnosing you because the doctors are only for people with good health care plans. So just remember when you die of a miis-diagnosed hangnail that develops into a deadly infection, that at least they have a great desk in a certain section of the library and it even goes up and down. We’ll carve your name into the surface and spread your ashes underneath.

    • jkhughes2 says:

      I woke up last night thinking of that monstrosity of a desk! My hours have been cut and I’m finding it hard to find insurance and there’s a $16,000 desk in the library. I will pay you $20 when I die to scatter me over that desk….and anyone siting at it.

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