WeBMD: Hey girrrrrl. How you been?
Me: I’ve been better.
WebMD: What’s going on?
Me: Oh just some worry over my health.
WebMD: Tell me all about it. I want to hear everything.
Me: Well, the other day you told me I might have cervical cancer.
WebMD: I most certainly did not!
Me: Yeah, you kinda did.
WebMD: I would never say that to a friend!
Me: You also told me I have ebola, bubonic plague and prostate problems.
WebMD: I don’t remember any of this.
Me: I have a vagina. No prostate problems here.
Me: You also said I probably have either irritable bowel syndrome or colon cancer.
WebMD: I was out of town a few days ago. Maybe I read your record wrong.
Me: And you said the headaches are probably brain tumors.
WebMD: I said that shit?
Me: Yep. You pointed to various body parts on the computer screen and said I’d be pooping blood if I kept up the farting.
WeBMD: Would you look at the time? I gotta get out of here.
Me: I have to have a cervical biopsy tomorrow morning. You said it was nothing to worry about and then added “It’s probably cancerous.”
WeBMD gets up, wobbles and then almost falls over.
WeBMD: Good luck with the biopsy thing. It’s probably that twin you ate in the womb. I’d have that cervix checked for teeth and ribs. It sometimes happens. But I’ve got to go.
Me: Yeah, that’s a good idea since I’m about to throw this chair at your face.