6:00am-Wake up when Maxhole the dog gets on my bed and punches me in the face with his foot.
6:12am-Think about Christmas when I was little and how I couldn’t sleep the night before and now I just want to sleep all day.
6:50am-Dawns on me that Maxhole can’t get onto my bed by himself because he’s short. Therefore, Mom put him on my bed and probably laughed maniacally when he punched me awake. I blame my fogginess on the fruit salad. And Xanax.
7:00am-Eat a bowl of fruit salad.
7:11am-Eat another half of a bowl of fruit salad.
7:13am-Colon gives a warning cry. I ignore it by eating 5 mini York Peppermint Patties.
7:30am-Start opening presents. Wish I hadn’t been such a lazy asshole about Christmas shopping. I was this close to picking up presents at a gas station.
7:31am-Try to take a piece of wrapping paper out of Maxhole’s mouth. He went into feral dog mode and jumped onto me, biting my hands and snapping at my face. Mom pops him one on the head.
7:31am-Maxhole attacks me again. I scream like a little bitch and try not to cry because my feelings are hurt. Mom banishes him to his crate where he whines apologetically but I know he’s really saying “That was my wrapping paper with the strip of tape on it. Mine. If you let me out of here I’ll do it again.”
7:50am-Watch with complete happiness as mom gets giddy over a present my brothers and me went in on together. Gave the dog the finger.
8:40am-More fruit salad and throwing out gang signs at Maxhole. Mom suspects I’m having a seizure.
8:50am-Fruit salad betrayed me just like I thought it would.
9:00am-Cuddle with my brother’s dogs, Kirby and Xander. They’re happy to just sit in my lap and bask in my love. Still flipping off Maxhole.
9:30am-Get ready for my brother Ryan and his kids to come over.
10:00am-Kirby throws up EVERY WHERE. The puke is chunky and pink. Mom gave Kirby and Xander dog treat stockings from Petsmart and Kirby ate all of it. From the amount of puke it looks like a horse threw up or we might need an exorcist.
10:02am- Laughing at my brother as he cleans up vomit.
10:07am-Kirby throws up again, this time managing to throw up and pee at the same time. He’s 14 which makes him, what, 900 in dog years?
10:10am-Debate whether or not to eat more fruit salad and mull it over while eating peanut butter cups.
11:00am-My brother Ryan arrives with his kids. Shocked myself with the mature thought that I’m glad that Christmas is for kids, that it should be all about kids, especially when I hear my 7 year old niece’s gasp of ecstasy over a Monster High doll.
11:00am-hours and hours later-Ate from a platter of cheese, salami, tiny bread, fruit salad. Promised my intestines they could have carrots and other healthy food that won’t cause a butt uproar.
2:00pm-Ryan and the kids leave. Mom and Anthony take Kirby and Max for a walk. Xander, a dog that always seems to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown (which is probably why I like him),stands at the top of the stairs and watches the front door. I don’t know whether to feel insulted that Xander is crying and ignoring my attempts to comfort him or feel relieved I didn’t have to go for a walk because let’s face it: I probably would have had to shit on the trail right next to the dogs.
4:00pm-Passed out in my chair watching The Golden Girls while Mom starts packing away her Christmas village scene. Anthony is sacked out on the couch with Kirby and Xander under a blanket. Maxhole runs around alternately barking and making Chewbacca sounds at the invading Germans.
4:30pm-Start watching The Witches of Eastwick but have to turn the channel at the part where the religious zealot projectile vomits cherry pits.
5:00pm-Thiknking about hiding out in my bedroom for some alone time, grateful for a loving family who understands my need for solitude. Beats going crazy and being put into solitary confinement.