I know my mom taught me how to fold fitted sheets. I my have spaced off (most likely) or was thinking about what I was going to eat next. Or maybe I was thinking about how she knows how to do all the stuff I’ll ever master like making a bed properly, boiling water, being kind to people and not tripping toddlers. Lord knows she’s tried to teach me a lot over the years. I was too busy thinking about a giant bowl of Sugar Smacks or if trying to sleep for 15 hours straight meant I was depressed or just really tired.
I’ve come to the conclusion that since she knows how to fold fitted sheets, she must be into some hardcore witchcraft.
I decided to try to be an adult the other day (I have two sets of real adult sheets instead of the Minions sheets I’ve been sleeping on for a couple of years) and went to fold a fitted sheet right out of the dryer. It was warm and soft, very unlike my soul. I matched up two corners and was thinking I might even clean the toilet and dust afterward. I was so proud of myself for adulting all over the place that I didn’t even notice the cursing in the room. It was me. Standing over a fitted sheet that looked like a hot air balloon that had been dropped on its head.
“Fuck fuck-ity motherfucking stupid dong fuck being an adult is stupid” I scream- hissed and then crumpled up the fitted sheet and threw it in the back of the closet like a dirty secret.
And then I went and ate a big ass bowl of Frosted Flakes because I was out of Sugar Smacks. Still haven’t scrubbed the toilet or dusted. Fuck it.