Today is my 38th birthday. Well, it was two days ago. I wrote this blog in a notebook because there was a movie on Netflix I’d seen 5 times and I was in a hurry to watch it for the 6th time.
Mentally, I feel 18. Physically, I’ve had better days. From the way my co-workers talk, I can expect to wake up dead tomorrow now that I’m closer to 40. I’ll try not to make this post a list of everything going wrong with my body along with aging. I’ll make it more of a “This is Some Shit I’ve Noticed” post. And I’ve noticed some shit.
If I have to pee I’d better do it as soon as the urge hits. Remember when you were 14 and could hold it for 6 hours and not feel like you were going to need a Depends? Yeah, those were the days. Sometimes if I have to pee and blink too hard it’s almost photo finish getting to the bathroom. I find myself nodding at those Poise commercials and then switching over to the Cartoon Network like I was caught watching porn. Same thing with pooping. When I was 14 my body would be like “Nah. You okay. It’s cool. You got a couple hours.” Now my colon gives me one warning blast and says “You better find a bathroom. There will be no second warning.”
I’ve noticed surface things about my body that have taken me by surprise and by surprise I mean “Aw, man, what the fuck?” I grew up in a house where the bathroom mirror showed only the tops of my shoulders. Sure, there were other mirrors in the house but I’ve never been one to stand naked in full-length mirrors, not even to do a suspicious mole patrol. The house I’m living in now has a mirror directly across from the toilet. One day I was finishing up my business and stood up and was shocked to see some old vagina looking back at me in the mirror. I actually turned around to see if there was some old pussy behind me. Nope. That was my old pussy. Who knew those things could look old? And kind of fat? And a little sad and droopy like life hadn’t gone the way it hoped it would. Get in line, sister.
I don’t feel old. Sometimes I’m a little achy in the morning but that might be because I slept like I just went through an exorcism and part of me was on the bed while the other half was on the floor. I should probably start exercising, the kind that says I like myself and care about what happens to my body. Maybe I’ll start running or train for a triathlon.