I have to have a cervical biopsy on Monday. I’ve had two before. They aren’t bad except for that whole “Oh shit, do I have cancer?” thing. And the gross stuff they put in there to see your cervix better and it comes out looking like coffee grounds. Juan Valdez was in my underwear. The thing I’m anxious about is the fact that I have to pee in a cup before the biopsy. They need to check for pregnancy or infection.
I cannot pee on command. My body goes into shut down mode. My urethra dry heaves a little but that’s it.
At last year’s biopsy, the doctor gave me a glass of water to speed things along and my bladder was laughing at me, taunting “I’m not giving up anything.” There was no way I was pregnant. I haven’t had any fun for years. All that is up in my uterus are a couple of dust balls and an old TV Guide with the cast of Welcome Back Kotter on the cover. There was no pee to be had. I fail at a lot of thing but to screw up something as easy as peeing….