I was in the library’s lobby the other day talking to a co-worker. We both smiled and greeted patrons and tried to avoid making eye contact with the crazy people who come into the library. As my co-worker and I are chatting away this woman walks by us, slows down and says “I had to use the bathroom” (she widens her eyes and tilts her head to the side in the universal sign of “I had to take a shit and I had to do it in a public restroom) “and I was so embarrassed because people in the bathroom were saying ‘Ewww’ about how much it stunk.” And then she lets out a couple sobs and I feel bad for her. Everybody’s shit stinks. If shit smelled good this is how it would go:
“Did you just fart?”
“Yes. That was me.”
“What delicious scent is that?”
“I had a double cheeseburger and fries about 45 minutes ago.”
“I know what I’m having for dinner!”
I wanted to tell the crying lady that the complainers were probably the little jerks from the Catholic school down the street. Those kids are assholes. They come into the library, do whatever they want and generally act like entitled fucktards.
I tried to make her feel better by making sympathetic noises. I should have told her that I filled a bathtub with my own brown sugar when I was 10 but I didn’t really know what she wanted from me. Should I have put up a sign in the ladies room that says “NO LAUGHING AT OTHER PEOPLES FARTS?” I don’t care how old I get. Farts will always be funny and they will always give me hysterical giggles.
Look, Embarrassed Lady Shiter, it’s bad enough we have to shit at all and that we sometimes have to do it in a public restroom and it can be kind of traumatizing. But when you have to shit, you have to shit. You either do it while in bumper to bumper traffic or you find a public restroom where you can show off your awesome sound effects. The next time you need to take a shit in the library bathroom and some assholes (ha ha ha) are making a big deal about the stink do this: As soon as you flush and exit the stall lock eyes with one of the fucktards and say “Oh, I recognize you! You were at Planned Parenthood last week. You were in tears but not because you were there for an abortion. My cousin is a medical assistant there and even though they aren’t supposed to divulge any information she told me how sad it is in this day and age that 14 year olds are dumb enough to get herpes. You have a nice day now. Remember to take your Valtrex.”
Take your shit. Own it. And then flush, wash your hands and get on with your life.