A Couple of Fattys

Me and Maxhole the Dog need to lose some weight.  I sat down the other day and felt something land with a soft thud on my upper thigh.  My stomach decided that it was no longer a slave to the waistband of my jeans so it flopped right over and molested my leg.  Maxhole sat down in front of me and I realized he looked like a little fat kid sitting there with his stomach pooching out.  I only called him a fatty to his face when he gave me Dog Judgmental Eyes while I ate half a can of chocolate frosting.  In my defense, it was dark chocolate frosting so I was being good to my heart.  And I was too damn lazy to make an actual cake to put the frosting on.

I put on weight and then take it off.  I got really sick last winter and lost a lot of weight.  About 30-35 pounds.  And then I got better and started to put the weigh back on.  I’m not into dieting.  I’d rather just eat healthy and when I do eat junk food I try to limit it.  Except when there are cookies around.  I sabotage myself. My brain says “You know, you ate one cookie so you’ve already thrown this whole eating healthy thing out the window.  You might as well get a couple more cookies and a handful of Ruffles.”

Years ago I was talking with two co-workers who said they’d give up a year of their lives just to be thin.  Instead of living to be 75 they’d rather shave off a year and be thin.  That is so fucked up.  It was so fucked up I think I went and ate some cookies just to recover from the shock of so much stupid.

So I need to lose weight.  Maxhole needs to lose some weight.  I love food and I tend to eat my feelings (because self-loathing tastes so good when you pile cake on it).  When Maxhole looks up at me with those brown eyes our will-power goes out the window and we eat half a block of Colby Jack cheese.  I’m reading this aloud to Maxhole and he said “What’s this “we” shit?  You got a mouse in your pocket?  I don’t need to lose any weight.  I’m curvaceous.”

Yeah and I’m a real redhead.

I don’t have any doubts that I can lose the weight once I really set my phasers to stun.  What the hell does that mean?  It sounded good in my head but looks all kinds of crazy on paper.

Of for Christ’s sake.  Maxhole’s stomach is starting to drag on the floor.

I need a donut to cope with this.  I’ll put some shredded carrots on top of it.

Baby steps……


About jkhughes2

I'm fat and I hate my job. Well kinda. Kinda on both of those. I love to read and work in a library where they don't let me read. But as long as I get to be around books I'm happy. I once wanted to be a writer and then realized that I'm too lazy to write a book but not too lazy to write a blog. And blogging is like keeping a journal except my posts are the equivalent of verbal diarrhea. And oh yeah. I have really low self-esteem. I have a dog named Max but I call him Maxhole. He's the first dog I've ever had. I find his daily life way more interesting than mine or most people I know. That's about it. I hate politics and computer books. I secretly wish I was Doctor Who but can't remember if that's "was" or "were." Now that's it.
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6 Responses to A Couple of Fattys

  1. gloria says:

    Hahaha…as I’m dieting…my dogs are getting fatter because they get all the stuff I can’t eat..like pizza crusts, half a cookie, the second half of the piece of cake..and getting so fat that the little one begs me to carry him that last bit on our walks…until I tell him if he walks all the way himself he gets rewarded with food! Thus starting the cycle all over again. Don’t give my that shit your paw hurts…if you are “HUNGRY” you can walk (run) yourself!
    I wasn’t in on the year of your life to be skinny debate…heck yes I would go for that!! The last year of your life is usually crappy anyway, so be skinny now!! Totally worth it it…where do I sign up??? You mean I still have to do the work to get there….well forget it then…shiiiiiit.

    • jkhughes2 says:

      Doc is so smart. No wonder he gets treats! Mom bought Maxhole an extra large harness to walk him. It wouldn’t fit him. He won’t be an Obie. We’d never do that to an animal. But his ass bounces when he lays down to eat a treat.
      It was Mickey and Debbie who said they’d rather die a year early and be skinny than live old and be heavy. Sure, it’d be great to be skinny but I’m not built to be skinny. I’m built like a shit brick house. I take a little pride in knowing I could probably clothesline an attacker. Well, it’d have to be a short attacker.

  2. Mrs. Jones says:

    You make me laugh so much, especially today because I started my fast yesterday and failed miserably! I ended up in the kitchen pantry hiding from my children while shoveling chocolate chip cookies in my mouth faster than I could swallow them.

    • jkhughes2 says:

      YOU ROCK!!! Thanks for reading.
      The other half of the frosting can is mocking me. And there are some mini-marshmallows in the cupboard and I feel like cramming all of them into my mouth.

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