Your Call is Very Important to Us

Is it really? If my call to you is so important why did you put me on hold for 55 minutes and then cut me off?  If my call is so very important to you why were you snickering when I called back to say I’d been cut off after being on hold for almost an hour?  You apologized (with undisguised mirth) and said the healthplanfinder had been having phone problems and would I like to call back next week?

Joke’s on you, bitch.  I have a book and I’m ready to wait it out.

I get put on hold for another 45 minutes and then get cut off.  I called in again and the robot on the other end told me they’re experiencing a high volume of calls and my wait time will be 35 minutes.  This will start my 3rd hour on hold.  It’s okay.  I’m comfy.  I have my book.  I’m starting to think it was kind of lucky that I woke up sick and called in to work.  Or maybe I’m being punished for calling in sick to work.  Either way, I’m reading my book and the soft generic jazz is threatening to cause a narcoleptic event.  A recorded voice comes on several times thanking me for my patience and a patient care representative will be with me shortly.

I actually finish my book, search around for another to start and look at the phone.  My wait time was 35 minutes.  I got on the phone at 11:45, waited almost 45 minutes apiece the first two times.  The phone says I’ve been waiting 51 one minutes.  I’m going to give it two more minutes and start doing a mental countdown when a humanoid comes on the phone. 

And I can’t understand a word he says. 

He sounds like a VERY Southern 17 year old, his voice cracking and his throat clearing sounding like he’s in front of fifth period history class ready to give his report on the Tudors and how Jonathan Rhys Meyers totally steals the show.  This is no dig to Southerners.  I sometimes find their drawl kind of soothing.  Kind of narcoleptic inducing.

“Thank you for calling Washington Health Plan Finder.  This is Jiiiyum.  How can I help you today?”

Silence from my end as I try to decode what he just said.

Oh.  OH.

His name is Jim.   Jeeeeeeesuuuuuuus.  I thought he might’ve been having a mini stroke.

Jiiiiiyum was of no help to me and I didn’t really expect him to be.  It’s not his fault that this whole health care thing is a giant cock-up. I’ve bought my health insurance but there are a bunch of stupid mistakes the healthplanfinder website has made to my account.  I had to call the week before about something and a nice lady whispered conspiratorially into the phone “In the interest of full disclosure, we don’t really know how to fix any of this.”  I’m sure the people answering the phones had exactly 3 days of training and the standard reply to any questions I’ve had is “Hmmmmm. I haven’t seen that before.  I’ll put a ticket request in”

(whatever the fuck that is)

“and you’ll get a call in 3-5 business days.”

Jiiiiyum needed my email address so they could contact me (and I bet they don’t) so I rattled it off.

“FUNter?”

“No.  FRONTIER.”  I’m starting to lose my shit a little.

He put me on hold again.  A vein popped out on my forehead and I’m pretty sure that any minute I’d find out I had the power of pyrokinesis.

“Okay, maaaaayum.  I put the ticket through.  The number is 22072.”

“So you’ll call me with an answer?”

“Ummmmm.   Yeah.  Or you can call us.  Thank you for your payyyyshunts.”

“Get fucked.  The South lost the war.  Get over it.”

I didn’t really say that.  I have a certain meanness in me but the guy was just doing his job, one he probably hates and goes home and drinks every night or goes to bars and picks up anyone who will look at him for more than five seconds.  Maybe he tells them he works for the FBI.  F-BEEEEEE-EYE.

The last thing Jiiiiyum said was that I would be getting a call to see how their service was.  I cackled at him and hung up.

When they call me and have me rate the service I received I’ll put the phone down next to a radio tuned to Lawrence Welk and I’ll go do important stuff like clip my toenails and make sure all my Doctor Who t-shirts are turned inside out so when I wash them the colors won’t fade.

But every once in awhile I’ll pick the phone up and say “Your call is very important to us.  Please remain on the line for the next available customer care representative.”

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About jkhughes2

I'm fat and I hate my job. Well kinda. Kinda on both of those. I love to read and work in a library where they don't let me read. But as long as I get to be around books I'm happy. I once wanted to be a writer and then realized that I'm too lazy to write a book but not too lazy to write a blog. And blogging is like keeping a journal except my posts are the equivalent of verbal diarrhea. And oh yeah. I have really low self-esteem. I have a dog named Max but I call him Maxhole. He's the first dog I've ever had. I find his daily life way more interesting than mine or most people I know. That's about it. I hate politics and computer books. I secretly wish I was Doctor Who but can't remember if that's "was" or "were." Now that's it.
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8 Responses to Your Call is Very Important to Us

  1. Victoria says:

    I’m from the South, and I can honestly say, depending upon my mood, and the density of the twang, and the twanger, is how well the conversation will go, or not. You’ve had me laughing for an hour now. Looking forward to reading much more.

  2. Sunflower says:

    Ok seriously, I almost lost my shit reading this. My lower jaw was hanging wide open and my eyes were bulged out… and my stomach was kinda cramping a little because it was just so damn funny I was holding my breath in a sort of “fear” the whole way through. And I maybe peed a little. Maybe. Totally effing funny.

  3. Morguie says:

    Gawd….I hate that. Usually that wait is the time it takes to connect the call thru the Beijing temple, route it thru the Ganges pipeline , and then finally to Kumar’s mom, who has to get up to wake him and get him to the phone, when finally he comes on, greeting me with, ‘Hallo, My name is ‘Billy’ how may I assist you today?’ in a heavy Punjabi dialect.
    Ain’t it great, to be an American consumer?
    😛

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