When I watch a foreign movie I turn the volume up like making the movie louder will magically make me understand the language.
I use my turn signal in empty parking lots. You never know when a ninja car is going to appear out of nowhere and you need to let it know which direction you’re going.
I forget to refill my prescriptions and get mad when I see the NO REFILLS on the bottle and somehow feel even angrier when it takes 3 days to get the refill and when I get the refill the damn bottle says NO REFILLS.
Talk to my father. He’s dead.
Talk to my grandmother. She’s dying.
When I leave the house and put Maxhole the Dog in his crate I leave the TV on for him. But I change the channel from Criminal Minds because 1) I don’t want him to freak out and think there’s a serial killer in the house and 2) I don’t want him to get any ideas. If he’s been a naughty dog, I put him in his crate and turn the radio to a Christian rock station.
When I turn the oven burner on I reach out to touch it. To see if it’s on.
I didn’t know until yesterday at work that when I’m cleaning up my email all I have to do is press CTRL + A to delete them. I pretend I’m an old hand at this short cut to deleting but continue deleting emails one by one because it passes the time. And I don’t want to accidentally delete any David Tennant pictures.
I refuse, REFUSE, to use any computer short-hand (can I even call it short-hand? Is there another term for it? Lingo? Shit. I don’t care) when writing emails. Except when I’m at work and I write to another co-worker 5 feet from me about the staff bathroom and the shit someone smeared all over the toilet seat. That’s when I write WTF as if the city would read that email and be stymied about WTF means. Instead of LOL I type hahahahahahahaha until my fingers cramp.
I obsessively check my email even when I’m not expecting anything. I get strangely excited when I get an email from PetSmart with coupons. Or emails about writing contests I plan on entering and forget about in 10 minutes because I’m busy picking out a new toy for Maxhole the Dog and the $2.50 I can save on my purchase with coupon.
Whenever I have a meeting with my boss I come away with the dirty feeling that I wasn’t being myself.
I promised myself I’d be more grown up about my food choices from now on. Then I went to work and ate a peanut butter cookie the size of a toddler’s head and then went to Target and bought a disappointing frozen pizza. I can always start eating better tomorrow. But Saturday is my junk food eating day. Maybe this healthy eating thing can wait until tomorrow.