The Dumb Shit I Do

When I watch a foreign movie I turn the volume up like making the movie louder will magically make me understand the language.

I use my turn signal in empty parking lots.  You never know when a ninja car is going to appear out of nowhere and you need to let it know which direction you’re going.

I forget to refill my prescriptions and get mad when I see the NO REFILLS on the bottle and somehow feel even angrier when it takes 3 days to get the refill and when I get the refill the damn bottle says NO REFILLS.

Talk to my father.  He’s dead.

Talk to my grandmother.  She’s dying.

When I leave the house and put Maxhole the Dog in his crate I leave the TV on for him.  But I change the channel from Criminal Minds because 1) I don’t want him to freak out and think there’s a serial killer in the house and 2) I don’t want him to get any ideas. If he’s been a naughty dog, I put him in his crate and turn the radio to a Christian rock station.

When I turn the oven burner on I reach out to touch it.  To see if it’s on.

I didn’t know until yesterday at work that when I’m cleaning up my email all I have to do is press CTRL + A to delete them.  I pretend I’m an old hand at this short cut to deleting but continue deleting emails one by one because it passes the time.  And I don’t want to accidentally delete any David Tennant pictures.

I refuse, REFUSE, to use any computer short-hand (can I even call it short-hand?  Is there another term for it?  Lingo?  Shit.  I don’t care) when writing emails. Except when I’m at work and I write to another co-worker 5 feet from me about the staff bathroom and the shit someone smeared all over the toilet seat.  That’s when I write WTF as if the city would read that email and be stymied about WTF means.  Instead of LOL I type hahahahahahahaha until my fingers cramp.

I obsessively check my email even when I’m not expecting anything.  I get strangely excited when I get an email from PetSmart with coupons.  Or emails about writing contests I plan on entering and forget about in 10 minutes because I’m busy picking out a new toy for Maxhole the Dog and the $2.50 I can save on my purchase with coupon.

Whenever I have a meeting with my boss I come away with the dirty feeling that I wasn’t being myself.

I promised myself I’d be more grown up about my food choices from now on.  Then I went to work and ate a peanut butter cookie the size of a toddler’s head and then went to Target and bought a disappointing frozen pizza.  I can always start eating better tomorrow.  But Saturday is my junk food eating day.  Maybe this healthy eating thing can wait until tomorrow. 

Or Thursday.


About jkhughes2

I'm fat and I hate my job. Well kinda. Kinda on both of those. I love to read and work in a library where they don't let me read. But as long as I get to be around books I'm happy. I once wanted to be a writer and then realized that I'm too lazy to write a book but not too lazy to write a blog. And blogging is like keeping a journal except my posts are the equivalent of verbal diarrhea. And oh yeah. I have really low self-esteem. I have a dog named Max but I call him Maxhole. He's the first dog I've ever had. I find his daily life way more interesting than mine or most people I know. That's about it. I hate politics and computer books. I secretly wish I was Doctor Who but can't remember if that's "was" or "were." Now that's it.
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6 Responses to The Dumb Shit I Do

  1. jennisnails says:

    Ok I do the same channel switching thing for my dogs. Is it weird though that I turn in Disney Jr because one of them in a baby?!

  2. digitalgranny says:

    These made me chuckle and I always turn on my turn signal whenever i am turning even if it the only direction the road is going.
    Have a wonderful week that has got here all to soon.

  3. idleteach says:

    Great to know there are others out there who do these things… In short, hahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahah! *ouch*

  4. Mrs. Jones says:

    yes never allow them to watch criminal minds, I.D, or anything where they can learn to get away with murdering you !AH and no national geographic, we don’t want them having nightmares about the carnivores of the African Plains!

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