My Cervix is an Asshole (Part 1)

Well technically my cervix isn’t an asshole although I’m sure that’s medically possible.  It seems I’ve read some National Geographic articles about women in sun scorched countries who are so bad off they poop out their hoo-has and have to sit on top of grates in the streets because no one will help them.  Actually, that could have been some movie I just saw.  The last few days are kind of a blur.

Evidently, my cervix is producing abnormal cells.  Little fucking rebel, can’t do anything normal, huh?  I had my annual exam and found out that I need a cervix biopsy.  This procedure is called a colposcopy.  Now why on earth they have to call it that when it sounds too close to colonoscopy is beyond me.  I had to tell my friend that one procedure deals with the butt and the other one deals with the other hole.  I had a biopsy 3 years ago.  The procedure is no big whoop, just like a pap smear that lasts ten minutes longer than it should.  And me with my feet in the stirrups practicing my comedy act for the doc spelunking in my nether world.  That was the first time I found out my cervix was being an asshole.  I think it’s human nature to hear the words “Cervix” and “Abnormal cells” and feel your heart drop.  My mind immediately goes to cancer.  The weird thing is I’m not worried about cancer itself.  I worry about not being able to work and being a burden on my mother.  Cancer itself would suck but I worry about my mom.

The nurse who will be with me during the procedure called me the other day.  Her name’s Pam and even over the phone I could tell this was one cool chick.  She comforted me by saying that the procedure is so common that some doctors just do them all day.  Pammy became my best friend, even after I blurted out “But I’m not a slut!”  I have no idea why I shouted that over the phone.  I tend to panic and when that happens words just fall out of my mouth.

Look, women’s girl parts aren’t pretty.  It was some dumb ass poet who called the vagina a flower.  They guy obviously hadn’t seen a real one and didn’t realize it looks like a flower someone ground beneath their heel.  I think the vagina looks like the alien from Predator.  I think mine might even have teeth.  Actually, that would be kind of cool.  Except when those teeth get cavities.

Am I scared?  Kinda.  There’s just so much that can go wrong with the human body.  A lot can go right, too.  Maybe this will help along my cause of getting rid of all my reproductive parts.  Can you imagine how much I’ll save when I don’t have to buy tampons and pads?  More money for candy!  I mean, more money for adult things like rent and the water bill.

And candy.


About jkhughes2

I'm fat and I hate my job. Well kinda. Kinda on both of those. I love to read and work in a library where they don't let me read. But as long as I get to be around books I'm happy. I once wanted to be a writer and then realized that I'm too lazy to write a book but not too lazy to write a blog. And blogging is like keeping a journal except my posts are the equivalent of verbal diarrhea. And oh yeah. I have really low self-esteem. I have a dog named Max but I call him Maxhole. He's the first dog I've ever had. I find his daily life way more interesting than mine or most people I know. That's about it. I hate politics and computer books. I secretly wish I was Doctor Who but can't remember if that's "was" or "were." Now that's it.
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4 Responses to My Cervix is an Asshole (Part 1)

  1. Gloria says:

    I’m getting you candy for your procedure….but for your mouth…not your VAGINA…haha…candy for the vagina might cause problems.

  2. Kathy says:

    Actually I think I’ve heard you blurt out “But I’m not a slut” at other times too. Ordering your coffee, shelving books, crossing the road. I thought you figured it was just an all-purpose slogan (and it is-but you’ll probably get more attention if you leave out the word “not”).

    • jkhughes2 says:

      You know me too well. And you don’t judge me when I say the word vagina. I think you’re right.
      Me while waiting for the elevator: I’m a whore!
      Get a lot of attention that way. It’s the new “Fire! Fire!”

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