The library I work at uses an incident report that gets emailed to every library employee. In theory they’re a good communication tool, informing us of violent library patrons, theft and vandalism. But in the wrong hands the reports become hilarious.
1:47pm: Man with scruffy beard tripped on the main entrance stairs. Might be on drugs.
3:11pm: A girl who allegedly ran away from home was seen in the library 20 minutes ago. She’s a girl, is wearing shoes and she’s white.
4:03pm: A pencil rolled off a table and onto the floor.
4:34: A toilet flushed somewhere in the building.
4:58pm: A man with $58.10 in fines stated that he was a little upset because he couldn’t check out any Jackie Chan DVDs until he pays his fines. He’s to be watched if he returns to the library.
6:10pm: A mother wouldn’t calm her crying baby. The mother has been excluded from the library for 3 months and the baby for 6 months.
7:00pm: A woman with a severe case of wall-eye ran into a book display hanging from the wall. To Kill a Mocking Bird fell to the floor. The security guard demanded that she look him in the eye while he gave her a verbal warning. Said security guard became irate when he didn’t know which eye to look at.
7:13pm: Patron farted by the magazine display. Clearly insane.
8:12pm: Woman came into the office with her teenage daughter. The daughter owed $3 in DVD fines. Obviously a kleptomaniac.
8:59pm: Did not get a discount on weed from Larry the Weed Guy. I broke up a drug deal between Larry the Weed Guy and an 11 year old kid. I told Larry the Weed Guy that I called the cops and then tripped the 11 year old. He fell on his face. I took his weed.
9:02pm: While closing up for the night a woman in her mid 20s wanted a library card. I told her we didn’t need her sick kind in the library and began filling out exclusion paperwork.
9:18pm: Told a tall man his knit cap was ugly.
9:22pm: Steered a large woman to a Weight Watchers magazine. Confiscated her Snickers bar. Then I ate it because the 11 year olds weed made me really hungry.