Incident Report

The library I work at uses an incident report that gets emailed to every library employee.  In theory they’re a good communication tool, informing us of violent library patrons, theft and vandalism.  But in the wrong hands the reports become hilarious.

1:47pm: Man with scruffy beard tripped on the main entrance stairs.  Might be on drugs.

3:11pm: A girl who allegedly ran away from home was seen in the library 20 minutes ago.  She’s a girl, is wearing shoes and she’s white.

4:03pm: A pencil rolled off a table and onto the floor.

4:34: A toilet flushed somewhere in the building.

4:58pm: A man with $58.10 in fines stated that he was a little upset because he couldn’t check out any Jackie Chan DVDs until he pays his fines. He’s to be watched if he returns to the library.

6:10pm: A mother wouldn’t calm her crying baby.  The mother has been excluded from the library for 3 months and the baby for 6 months.

7:00pm: A woman with a severe case of wall-eye ran into a book display hanging from the wall.  To Kill a Mocking Bird fell to the floor.  The security guard demanded that she look him in the eye while he gave her a verbal warning.  Said security guard became irate when he didn’t know which eye to look at.

7:13pm: Patron farted by the magazine display.  Clearly insane.

8:12pm: Woman came into the office with her teenage daughter.  The daughter owed $3 in DVD fines.  Obviously a kleptomaniac.

8:59pm: Did not get a discount on weed from Larry the Weed Guy.  I broke up a drug deal between Larry the Weed Guy and an 11 year old kid.  I told Larry the Weed Guy that I called the cops and then tripped the 11 year old.  He fell on his face.  I took his weed.

9:02pm: While closing up for the night a woman in her mid 20s wanted a library card.  I told her we didn’t need her sick kind in the library and began filling out exclusion paperwork.

9:18pm: Told a tall man his knit cap was ugly.

9:22pm: Steered a large woman to a Weight Watchers magazine.  Confiscated her Snickers bar.  Then I ate it because the 11 year olds weed made me really hungry.


About jkhughes2

I'm fat and I hate my job. Well kinda. Kinda on both of those. I love to read and work in a library where they don't let me read. But as long as I get to be around books I'm happy. I once wanted to be a writer and then realized that I'm too lazy to write a book but not too lazy to write a blog. And blogging is like keeping a journal except my posts are the equivalent of verbal diarrhea. And oh yeah. I have really low self-esteem. I have a dog named Max but I call him Maxhole. He's the first dog I've ever had. I find his daily life way more interesting than mine or most people I know. That's about it. I hate politics and computer books. I secretly wish I was Doctor Who but can't remember if that's "was" or "were." Now that's it.
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4 Responses to Incident Report

  1. Gloria says:

    What about the dude with the “service” pit bull who returned the chewed up copy of Dogs for Dummies….the dog then crapped on the floor leaving the staff with the conundrum….who cleans this up?! and a round of “not me’s:”

  2. Kathy says:

    Oh wait that wasn’t a patron farting by the magazines, that was me.

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