I work with a lot of smart people. I’m talking SCARY SMART. So smart that when they start talking to (at) me I break into a muggy sweat that trickles down my back and soaks the waistband of my jeans and all I can think of is the lyrics to Kajagoogoo’s Too Shy and what the hell is a Kajagoogoo and I heard the lead singer is gay and I have a gay brother so maybe they could be gay together. And then I start to think “Am I getting a case of swamp ass from the sweat soaking my back?” In my head I’m screaming “Shut the fuck up about computers! You’re not even speaking English. Talk to me about Doctor Who. I can whip your ass at Doctor Who trivia.”
But sometimes really smart people say the dumbest things. They’ll be talking away, using 75 cent vocabulary words. And then they’ll say something staggeringly stupid, so stupid that I’ll be thinking about it for years:
I work with terrifyingly brilliant people who say “The libarry is open until 9 tonight” or “The libarry has a wide selection of DVDs.”
You librarians (sorry, libarians) went to college and some of you even went on to grad school and earned a Ph.D. and you say “Libarry?” Do me a favor. Say Arkansas for me. And Illinois.
Yeah. That’s what I thought. You smarty pants say the S at the end of both of those words.
A lot of times I get hung up on the fact that I didn’t go to college and that I’m surrounded by brainiacs. I give in to mean thoughts: the librarians don’t deem you good enough to talk to because you didn’t go to college. I’ll admit, reference librarians are an intimidating bunch of people. They’re untouchables sitting behind their giant desk on the third floor, answering the phone with purring intelligent voices.
But you know what? Their shit stinks just like the rest of us.
At least I know how to say library.